top of page

Is Self - Forgiveness A Biblical Concept?

Why in the world did I do that? (St. Augustine)



SOME PEOPLE WILL likely skip to this discussion “Self-Forgiveness or Self-Acceptance without first reading the discussion on “The Midst” or “The Exodus” [Release]. Why? For several reasons, the most obvious of which is that it seems harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others; anything that can shed light on this difficulty offers everyone the possibility of relief.


A less obvious, though very important, explanation is that self-forgiveness highlights our flaws and foibles, which we tend to focus on. That's why we have a tendency to rubberneck at traffic accidents, glance at sexy pictures or revealing attire, focus on the most unattractive personality characteristic in others, as well as in ourselves, stare at roadkill, peek disapprovingly at ourselves in the mirror, blame others for our mistakes, look before we flush, rehash unpleasant memories, especially our own, and rationalize our behavior.


There is no level of spirituality that allows us to transcend basic human instincts for more than a short period of time. No one is immune to the impulses demanded by our DNA. And though, with God's help, we can learn to manage our weaknesses and satisfy our hungers rightly, we will experience moments of weakness and failure.


After we do these things-these sometimes silly, occasionally sick, stupid, self-gagging, self-disappointing things-we are haunted by the question: Why in the world did I do that?


Have you ever said that to yourself? Yes, perhaps many times before. Often, we're afraid of the answer, so we dismiss the question instead of wrestling with it. The great theologian St. Augustine of Hippo struggled with this basic question:


“In one of the most famous passages of his Confessions he describes a sin of his childhood, the theft of pears from a neighbor's orchard, and the tone of the whole passage is befuddlement: Why in the world did I do that? This became a recurrent theme for him as he reflected on his life.”


It is a recurrent theme for most of us. The truth is, there is something about us that makes us want to sniff around our decomposing, decaying memories. And the more horrific the scene of our accident, the more we tend to linger and wonder: Why in the world did I do that?


The answer is that we are living, breathing contradictions. We are paradoxes, often self-contradictory, a thought captured well in this Puritan prayer:


Changeless God, Under the conviction of thy Spirit I learn that the more I do, the worse I am, the more I know, the less I know, the more holiness I have, the more sinful I am, the more I love, the more there is to love.


O wretched man that I am! O Lord, I have a wild heart, and cannot stand before thee. How little I love thy truth and ways! I neglect prayer by thinking I have prayed enough.


My mind is a bucket without a bottom, with no spiritual understanding, ever learning but never reaching the truth, always at the gospel-well but never holding water.


My conscience is without conviction or contrition, with nothing to repent of. My will is without power of decision or resolution. My heart is without affection, and full of leaks. My memory has no retention, so I forget easily the lessons learned, and the truths seep away.


Give me a broken heart that yet carries home the water of grace.

Indeed, this prayer displays the complexity of the human heart. We are capable of great love and goodness, while at the same time fickle and seemingly unable to fully control our thoughts and behaviors. Why in the world did I do that?


Because that is what it means to be human: a living, breathing enigma.

As the story is told, The Times of London once sent out an inquiry to famous authors, asking the question, “What's wrong with the world today?” G. K. Chesterton, author and Christian apologist, responded simply and with astonishing honesty:


Dear Sir,


Perhaps the sincerest followers of Jesus, in the end, are the ones who live without pretension of perfection, but rather maintain a keen-though uncomfortable-acceptance of how unlike God they truly are.


Consider this parable told by Jesus:

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable:


"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: “God, I thank you that I am not like other men-robbers, evildoers, adulterers-or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get. But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner. I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."


The parable of the Pharisee and tax collector suggests that the one who found favor with God wasn't the overtly pious Pharisee, but the humble, contrite tax collector, who, aware of his sinfulness, begged God for mercy.


Why are you staring BACK that long

Hugh White, a nineteenth century U.S. Senator from Tennessee, once said, "When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward.


Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." Unfortunately, it seems that some of the things we've done are so ugly and smelly-and therefore so compellingly attractive-that regardless of how repugnant, spiritually damaging, or physically harmful it is to chew on the cud of past sinful indiscretions, we seem to want to at least check it out. We sometimes find ourselves getting addicted to the scent.


Why? Because "the scent" confirms what we have always suspected about ourselves:

Regardless of our public persona, we know that, at our core, we are an enigmatic, inconsistent mess.

Self-forgiveness provides, yet again, an opportunity to gaze at our self-inflicted wounds, whether they are real or perceived, and ask ourselves for the umpteenth time, "Why in the world did I do that?" Perhaps that is why many people have skip directly to this discussion, without having read the previous ones.


Cancer patients, physicians, and caregivers

Psychological research suggests there is a huge need for self- forgiveness. For example, many patients diagnosed with breast cancer think they could have prevented their disease if they had been sufficiently proactive in their self-care. One study concluded that "women who blamed themselves reported more mood disturbance and poorer quality of life than those who did not blame themselves. Analyses revealed that self-blame for cancer partially mediated the relationships between a self-forgiving attitude and both mood disturbance and quality of life."


One recent research project concluded the following:

A self-forgiving attitude and spirituality may benefit breast cancer survivors who blame themselves for their cancer. One hundred and eight women with early breast cancers completed questionnaires assessing self-blame, self-forgiveness, spirituality, mood and quality of life (QOL) in an outpatient breast clinic. Women who blamed themselves reported more mood disturbance and poorer (QOL). Women who were more self-forgiving and more spiritual reported less mood disturbance and better (QOL).


Interventions that reduce self-blame and facilitate self-forgiveness and spirituality could promote better adjustment to breast cancer or any other disease. A visit with a group of cancer survivors made me very aware that it is not only breast cancer patients who struggle with self-forgiveness. All of the survivors told me that they continually wonder what they could have done to prevent their disease and usually find something they could have done differently; thus, they live with feelings of self-condemnation.


Ponder This (A case Study)

Here's a generic story that serves as a paradigm for many untold stories (i Survived):


Once upon a time, DM did something he was terribly ashamed of doing. The pain continued for years. Not a day went by that DM didn't kick himself for making such a stupid mistake. It was as if he were literally lying on the ground, kicking himself over and over for a past blunder.


One day, something snapped, and DM had a moment of personal enlightenment. It didn't come from anything he had read, studied, or taught. Rather, it followed from asking himself, How long are you going to continue to kick yourself? Get up! You are not perfect.


Nobody is. Stop being so hard on yourself. So DM, wearied by self- judgment, forgave himself and chose to stop the kicking. Suddenly, he felt better and wiser.


He tired of his continual self-berating attitude and decided that the time had come to let it go. Like Forrest Gump, who, after months of mindlessly running back and forth across the country, suddenly stopped in the middle of the California desert. When his followers asked him why, Forrest said: "Because I'm tired. I think I'll go home now." So DM decided it was time for him to forgive himself for his misdeed.


So far, so good. Who among us can't identify with this man? We've all done things that we wish we hadn't done, borne the pain of self- loathing for a time, and then decided to move on. My guess is that few readers would, on the face of it, ridicule DM for wanting to find personal peace.


What if?

But what if the "mistake" that he was "terribly ashamed of doing" was child molestation? This hypothetical case study raises a number of important questions:


  • Should the weariness of his burden be self-mitigated? Should he be encouraged to alleviate his pain?

  • Morally, should DM have the right to relieve himself of the seriousness of his behavior?

  • At what point, if any, in the continuum of morality is it appropriate to forgive oneself?

  • Further, if this discussion were made available to inmates on death row, is the lesson I want them to learn simply, "Look, I know you are in pain, but really, you ought to forgive yourself?”

  • Do the ripple effects of DM's behavior on the life of the child he molested, and the child's family suddenly become so inconsequential that we are now rooting for DM to “find personal peace?”

I'm not suggesting that DM cannot find forgiveness from God, or even from the molested child; but is self-forgiveness the solution we want to offer him? Do we really want to encourage this man to let himself off the hook as if he is the only one who matters? Or is this behavior and misdeed one that should never be forgotten, a burden he must forever bear and for which he should always accept some sense of personal responsibility, even though it might always be uncomfortable and inconvenient?


The ethical dilemma

The ethical dilemma created by this “Ponder This (case study) is this: Should the desire for emotional well-being be the only determining factor in whether or not self-forgiveness is the appropriate cure for internal suffering?


Is a person's emotional weariness a sufficient standard for seeking self-forgiveness? Or do we live in a culture that believes that personal discomfort is so abhorrent that a remedy, however easy or difficult, must be offered to ease the pain?


There are at least three obvious remedies for the personal pain and torment associated with wrongdoing:


  1. Do nothing, which will continue the pain.

  2. Forgive yourself, which, in theory, frees you from your painful past.

  3. Accept yourself, which includes dealing with reality by accepting responsibility for your actions and creating a cascade of healthier possibilities, such as repentance, restitution, etc.

Research supports the idea that people often blame themselves for their diseases. At its most basic level of understanding, self-blame translates into thinking negative thoughts about ourselves. The antidote often offered by therapists is self-forgiveness. However, forgiveness presumes wrongdoing.


Forgiveness presumes that there was something the person did-or didn't do-to cause the disease or undesirable situation. What if a situation arose in which there was nothing a person knowingly could have done or should have done differently, but he or she still suffers from a disease or other malady?


It is important to remember that our subconscious minds cannot distinguish between a real or perceived threat. Regardless of whether we could have prevented a situation or disease, to the extent we think we could have prevented it, our bodies will respond accordingly, creating a cascade of negative emotions and biological responses. If a problem is real to the patient or survivor, it's a real problem. This is true even outside the realm of disease.


For example, let's say two grandparents allow their grandson to ride their four-wheel ATV on their farm as long as he wears a helmet and rides safely. Before too long, however, the young man crashes the ATV, causing horrific brain injuries and multiple other traumas. The grandparents had done their due diligence by reminding him to wear his helmet and ride safely, but they are nonetheless devastated by the outcome of the accident.


In this illustration, I am trying to create a scenario of complete innocence (the opposite of DM situation) in which, on the face of it, the crash was simply an unavoidable accident, the kind that happens every day. We cannot predict everything that is going to happen to us; we cannot take every precaution possible. Apart from being overly neurotic, no one lives life that way.


Some natural questions arise from this scenario:

  • Should the grandparents feel self-blame?

  • If they did nothing wrong and this was just an unpreventable accident, would inviting them to forgive themselves be good, healthy, appropriate advice?

  • Would it be helpful to them?

  • Might it be harmful?

Self-forgiveness presumes wrongdoing. If there is no wrongdoing, there is no need for forgiveness. To borrow from Mr. Cochran: If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit. In my example, self-forgiveness is a completely inappropriate remedy, because it requires the grandparents to accept responsibility for something that was out of their control, something for which they are blameless.


I suspect it doesn't matter how innocent the grandparents were or what advice we give to them-they are going to feel deep, deep pain for the rest of their lives, simply because that is the nature of the human heart. Furthermore, the only people who will find relief in offering self-forgiveness as a solution to their pain will be the well-meaning friends and counselors who offer the advice. The grandparents will likely take their pain and guilt to the grave.


Similarly, physicians, pastors (shepherds) often suffer when a prescribed treatment fails, even after their best efforts." Caregivers suffer from issues related to self-forgiveness because they often feel as if they didn't do enough to help their loved ones."


I know a man who lives in self-condemnation because he allowed his son to buy and drive a motorcycle-with fatal consequences. Do you know someone in a similar situation? Smokers who get lung cancer often suffer similar self-loathing. I have my own list of things I wish I hadn't done. You do too. No one would argue that the need to feel unburdened from past mistakes is enormous, but is self-forgiveness the best advice we have to offer? Or is it simply the easiest?


Is there such a thing as self-forgiveness?

As we've already seen, self-forgiveness is complicated and confusing. Experts in the field of forgiveness, refer to self-forgiveness as “a confusing concept.” Immersion” Dr. Affinii in his forum “Forgiveness” discusses about the inherent problem of self-forgiveness:


"To forgive myself, I am in two roles at the same time. I am the victim. I realize that my sinful act damaged me at the core of my being. But, I am also the transgressor; I did the sinful act. That dual role makes self-forgiveness complicated."?


Further, others convincingly argue that self-forgiveness cannot be done with any degree of objectivity. In the end, we cannot be both judge and jury and trust that the verdict rendered is anything more than an attempt to find relief from haunting memories through an experience of “cheap forgiveness.”

These negative feelings can be experiences of loneliness, sadness, depression, self-hate, and condemnation, and they are the major clinical expressions resulting in self- forgiveness therapy. These are very real types of suffering and rightly cry out for an answer. It is the contention here, however, that such painful feelings persist because of reasons other than a failure to forgive the self."


Rightly calling out for an answer

Throughout history, people have tried to find ways to cope with self-condemnation and guilt. Sacrifices to the gods were offered by the Greeks, Romans, Babylonians, Hittites, Egyptians, and Jews. In antiquity, the Jews would offer an olah (meaning "what goes up"), a burnt animal or grain offering, as expiation for their sin, which served not only as an atonement or reparation for whatever they had done but was also the mechanism God used to help his people relieve their guilt and shame. Christians find their atonement with God mediated through the sacrificial death of Jesus on the cross.


The point here is that, throughout history, all people everywhere have struggled with the psychological and emotional burden created by wrongdoing, real or perceived. People of all times and in all places have been crying out for an answer.

Enlightenment

The Greek word for "enlightened" is photizo, stemming from the root word phos, which means "light." Photizo is defined as follows:


  1. to give light, to shine

  2. to enlighten, light up, illumine

  3. to bring to light, render evident

  4. to cause something to exist and thus come to light and become clear to all

  5. to enlighten, spiritually, imbue with saving knowledge

  6. to instruct, to inform, teach

  7. to give understanding to."

To be enlightened means to find knowledge and spiritual insight; it means to be illuminated. And though the process of forgiveness (whether self-forgiveness or interpersonal forgiveness) involves each of these, the Bible rejects the idea that humans can enlighten themselves.


For example, from the Old Testament we read:

For You will light my lamp; The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness."


And from the New Testament:

“It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance.” Hebrews: 6-4-6


According to the Bible, God is the author of all good things, including enlightenment, inspiration, knowledge, and most importantly, wisdom are gifts from God, as is alluded to in the book of


Proverbs: For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

We can argue over which religion is the most enlightened. We can debate the superiority of one philosophy over another, dissect the strengths and weaknesses of arguments, and parse one another's words and their meanings, but we can't get away from the fact that we are corrupted and corruptible beings in need of something more than self-forgiveness. In the Bible, when King David tries to cover up his adultery with Bathsheba by sending her husband, Uriah, to his death in battle, God does not tell David to forgive himself “because” everyone makes mistakes.


“And Jesus, as he hung dying on the cross, did not look upon those gathered and say, “Forgive yourselves. You don't know what you are doing.”


Self-forgiveness is not a biblical concept

Although the Bible acknowledges the existential need to seek and find emotional and spiritual relief created by the burden of sin, it doesn't provide a recipe for self-forgiveness. It simply is not there.


Then again, the Bible doesn't mention or explain many other important topics as well. For example, the Bible doesn't offer answers to these important questions:


  1. Where did God come from?

  2. If God created humanity for his pleasure, why did he allow us the ability to make mistakes that cause his displeasure?

  3. Is the world God created the best of all possible worlds?

  4. Why would God allow poverty, hunger, human meanness, and evil to be interwoven into the reality of our everyday existence?

These questions, as important as they are to us, are completely ignored. The list of questions that the Bible does not answer-at least not to any degree of satisfaction-is a long one.


Unfortunately, those questions include these two:

  1. Can I forgive myself?

  2. If so, should I?

Regardless of whether you view the Bible as the inspired Word of God or merely as a repository of more than four thousand years of wisdom literature, there is no dictate, teaching, or command to forgive yourself to be found in its pages. Forgiveness, according to the Bible, is only from God toward his people-and then, because we were created in God's image, from his people to one another.


One could argue that God was unwilling to allow his creatures to dismiss or delete their past mistakes as if they had never happened and to simply free themselves from the pain and guilt of the past.


Self-forgiveness, it seems, is dismissed out of hand in the Bible.

We are given remedies for pain, but those remedies do not include self- forgiveness.


The ripple effects of our behavior:

  • Unknowable consequences

  • Furthermore, it is impossible to appreciate the implications and impact of our mistakes. As the Bible reminds us, the sins of the fathers are visited upon the children to the third and fourth generation.

  • Who am I to forgive myself, knowing that the ripple effects of my behavior will likely affect the lives of my children and grandchildren?

For example, if a father is a thief and his children follow in his footsteps, he may, at some point, feel bad when he learns that one of them has been arrested for stealing. He may even regret having been a horrible role model and-in theory-forgive himself for being such a bad example. Okay so far. But how will he feel the next time they steal? And the time after that? And the time after that?


Perhaps the better question is this:

  • How should he feel?

  • Should he feel responsible?

  • Ashamed?

  • Indifferent?

Or, similarly, a father directly or indirectly teaches his son that making money and accumulating wealth is what life is all about.


So, the son becomes obsessed with materialism, only to learn that the more money he makes, the more spiritually and emotionally bankrupt he becomes. Money does not bring happiness after all.


The father bears witness to his son's decay and regrets that he never taught him that there was more to life than a large financial portfolio. The father forgives himself for being an imperfect father after the son's first trip to rehab.

  • How should he feel after the second relapse?

  • Callously indifferent?

  • Responsible ashamed?

The point is this:

What does self-forgiveness accomplish? In these situations, I have suggested, self-forgiveness seems capricious and self-indulgent, even if it does bring moments of fleeting emotional relief. Ethically, self-forgiveness seems inappropriate, even though the burden is understandably difficult.


Considering this reality, what does self-forgiveness promise? One thing it can never do is stop the ripple effects of our behavior. Our sins will continue to affect the lives of others in unknowable ways and with unforeseen consequences.


The Research or Observation

Regarding the concept of self-forgiveness, Paul Vitz, Marubian Affinii and Jennifer Meade make the following observations:


  • Prior to recent decades in the United States, self-forgiveness appears absent from all psychological literature.

  • Although the distinctive concept of interpersonal forgiveness has deep and ancient roots in Judaism and Christianity, nowhere in those long traditions are adherents instructed to forgive themselves. Rather, the opposite is true: only God or the person who has been sinned against can forgive wrongdoing.

  • Self-forgiveness is a very recent concept, with only modest psychological validation, and very little or no theological justification.

  • It is not surprising that self-forgiveness theories have developed in the present cultural period with its strong emphasis on the autonomous and narcissistic individual.

Is it possible that the concept of self-forgiveness is simply the result of godless people seeking godless answers? Is it an expression of our innate ability to rationalize our behavior, regardless of consequences, reframing our actions so that our egos do not collapse under the weight of our shame? Is it the logical continuation of the self-help ethos, which, in encouraging people to follow their bliss, tries to find a way through the inevitable pain to a more emotionally satisfying state?


Perhaps, but it is not that simple. The most common advocates of self-forgiveness are “religious psychologists and pastors.” I confess to occasionally slipping into these discussions, because at times self-forgiveness seems like a quick solution to needless suffering.


But here is the problem: After I give my sage advice, I am probably the only one who feels better. For those who realize the implications of their behavior, for those who understand that they are “not an island, but part of the main,” self-forgiveness almost never works. Their conscience will not allow them to feel indifferent.


First base is usually reached on our knees. To the extent that narcissism is an impediment to forgive- ness, then its antidote is humility. Let us offer a working definition of humility or defined it:


  • To be humble is not to have a low opinion of oneself; it is to have an opinion of oneself that is no better or worse than the opinion one holds of others. It is the ability to keep one's talents and accomplishments in perspective.

  • To have a sense of self-acceptance, an understanding of one's imperfections, and to be free from arrogance and low self-esteem.

  • Humility has been tied to a number of health outcomes, in that a lack of humility is a risk factor for coronary heart disease.

It is not surprising, then, that humility should play such a vital role in the process of forgiveness. To forgive, one must have the capacity to identify with others and view them as more than simply extensions of oneself. One must be able to feel a modicum of social interest, a willingness to admit a personal role in relationship dysfunctions, and genuine concern and empathy for others to be motivated for reconciliation."


The better and safer net

Regardless of whether the issue is interpersonal forgiveness or self-forgiveness, the better and safer net to jump into is self - acceptance. Why? Because we can't change the past. What's done is done, and merely forgiving ourselves in order to feel better creates little or no likelihood that our lives will change.

The psychoneurological pathway toward relief that is offered to a wounded soul shouldn't detour around personal accountability.


Self-forgiveness promises a detour and a shortcut, an easy way out. It may, however, lead us back to where we began-to the reality of what we have done.


Even for a cold-blooded killer, self-acceptance requires facing reality, which can lead to the possibility of new life. The apostle Paul, before his conversion, had Christians arrested to be killed and was an onlooker at the stoning of Stephen, the first Christian martyr." King David had Uriah the Hittite killed to cover up a sin. If there was hope for these two, then there's hope for us all.


Self-acceptance offers a legitimate and healthy way to healing: the best road to travel out of a painful past.


Self-acceptance better describes the emotional and spiritual processes that are often described as “self-forgiveness.” I can learn more and more to accept myself as a flawed person. I can accept that my flaws will affect my life and the lives of others, including people I know best and love most. I can accept responsibility for my actions and seek to right the wrongs I have created. But forgive myself? Just shrug off my misdeeds as if nothing happened. I hope not.


A” Immersion” researcher described self-forgivers with these words:

The portrait of the self-forgiver ... is a person who is narcissistic, self-centered, and overly confident, as well as devoid of appropriate shame or guilt. However, if the person is not narcissistic to begin with, he or she is apparently likely to become more so through the self-forgiveness process.


The Bible presumes, from the very beginning, that the human condition is utterly and imperfect. From the get-go, we are all flawed. Adam ate the apple. Abraham lied to Pharaoh about his wife's identity and allowed her to be taken into his harem without so much as a “Hey, wait a minute!” The patriarchs were all flawed, including King David, who was nevertheless called “a man after God's own heart.”


The beauty of the biblical witness is that it refuses to make the human condition appear less depraved or more humane than it really is. The Bible does not turn Abraham into an airbrushed version of a perfect man. He is seen as flawed, though with great faith.


The lives of all the great biblical characters, both men and woman in the Old and New Testaments, are shamelessly transparent and exposed. Why? Because they were what we are: a mess.


We are flawed. We make mistakes. According to a biographer of C. S. Lewis, the great Christian author and apologist loved to skinny-dip. Thomas Merton, by all accounts one the most influential Roman Catholic writers of the mid to late twentieth century, experienced a brief, torrid affair with Margie Smith-in addition to other unseemly behavior. Singer/ songwriter Joan Baez, who befriended Merton, once said of him:


“Watching him drinking and in love showed me how the greats are human, too.”


I am not offering excuses, or legitimizing anyone's behavior. I am not suggesting that we learn to tolerate inappropriate, immoral, or unethical behavior by anyone, clergy or otherwise. What I am asking for is a reality check.


The fact is, we screw up in the most unbelievable ways. And there has never been a single moment in recorded history when it was ever any different. Making mistakes is an unfortunate but undeniable part of our DNA. If self-forgiveness were a command, we would spend all day, every day, engaged in an effort similar to trying to rub off the color of our skin-and with equal results.


Life as it is

Any recipe for self-acceptance should include the following ingredient: self-acceptance of our humanity as it is, not how we might hope it would have ideally been in another life and time.


This thought is masterfully penned in the lesser known second half of Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer:


God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed; Courage to change the things which should be changed; and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.


Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, This Sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it.

Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen."


One barrier faced by most adherents to organized religions, including Christianity, is that outsiders consider them hypocritical. Sadly, when we are accused of being hypocrites, few of us know how to respond to the accusation. At a deeper level, we might even agree with our accuser because we know our own hearts, and we do not live up to our own expectations, much less anyone else's. But are we hypocrites?


As R. C. Sproul cogently reminds us, hypocrites are those who say one thing and do another. Christians are not hypocrites, because we do not make the claim that we are perfect. Quite the contrary. We admit we are messed up in every way, from sunup to sun down, but that God loves us in spite of our flaws and failures.


The same way he loved King David, Abraham, Adam, and all the other flawed patriarchs and heroes of the faith. The good news (the gospel) is that we are loved by God, in spite of our sinfulness.


We must accept the world, including our part in it, as it is, not as we would have it.


What should I do with this pain I feel? If, as I and others propose, the goal isn't to forgive ourselves, as modern psychology suggests, then what?

  • What should we do with our pain?

  • After an innocent tragedy ...

  • After being diagnosed with an unpreventable disease ...

  • After I make mistakes and do dumb things ...

  • After I ask myself, "Why in the world did I do that?" What should

  • I do with this pain I feel?

Viktor Frankl, the well-known Holocaust survivor and esteemed psychotherapist, often began his counseling sessions with the question, "Why do you not commit suicide?" From there, it is said, he found the basis for his psychotherapy, a style he called logo therapy.


His goal was to "weave these slender threads of a broken life into a firm pattern of meaning and responsibility" The challenge for every counselor or therapist is to help "awaken in a patient the feeling that he is responsible to life for something, however grim his circumstances may be."


Whether we are innocent survivors of the Holocaust or perpetrators of wrongdoing, the solution Frankl holds out to sufferers is the same: Resist the understandable temptation to forgive ourselves, and instead ask ourselves, What does life (God) demand of us?


Considering our mistakes, God expects something from you and me and it isn't self-forgiveness. It is not letting us off the hook through blaming, rationalization, or forgiving ourselves. It is not spiraling into self-punishing masochistic behavior. It is not looking for an easy way to rid ourselves of pain or escape from our circumstances.


The consequence of engaging in wrongdoing is not that we find a way to rid ourselves of the pain through self-forgiveness. In my view, to encourage patients, survivors or etc., to self-forgive would create more anxiety for them, because I would be asking them to do something that either can't be done (as with the grandparents in my earlier example), or helps to foster narcissistic tendencies (as with the child molester DM). At some point, our lives need to be about we and not me.


Rather, we should ask ourselves this question:

In light of my grim situation, what does God require of me? The Bible teaches that God requires the following responses (for starters):

  • that we accept 100 percent responsibility for our behavior;"

  • that we repent, turn to God, and prove our repentance through our good deeds:"

  • that we are truthful with ourselves because the truth will set us freer?

  • that we confess."

  • that we forgive others."

  • that we act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God.

  • that we accept that some painful memories are “thorns” that will not be removed.

The apostle Paul writes: There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”


Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”


The point here is that some thorns, regardless of how they got there, will not be removed by God or anyone else. They are a God - given “hair shirt” that serves as a reminder that God both cares and disciplines.


We can complain about the thorns in our sides, or we can accept them. We can be miserable, or we can find purpose, meaning, and even joy in the midst of our suffering and pain. The thorns are there for a reason, with a purpose that may be readily obvious or a purpose that will remain a mystery. They may actually be survival cues that serve as a warning to a long-past threat. For some people, the only thing worse than remembering a wrongdoing is repeating it.


The thorn, in this case, serves as a reminder, and should be welcomed instead of resisted.


Be kind to yourself.

Learn the lessons, gain the wisdom, bear lightly the memories, and move on, even if it's with a limp. Remember that you are one of the most important people in your life. Like the rest of us, you are not perfect.


The Bible does not offer self-forgiveness as a solution to our mistakes. It offers saving grace given from an understanding, compassionate God to people who have come to accept themselves for who they truly are, not who they pretend to be; for who they are, not who they had hoped to become.


Power made perfect in weakness. When I am weak, then I am strong. This is what God demands of me, and I believe he demands the same of you: strength through weakness. Another paradox.


How grim are your circumstances? In light of them, what does God demand of you?

Comments


Immersion

Into The Future 

Stay Informed 

Thanks for submitting!

Immersion 

immersion.intothefuture@gmail.com

Survivors Support 

© 2022  Immersion - Into The Future    All Rights Reserved

bottom of page