Helping loved ones in hard times.
- Immersion
- Aug 29, 2020
- 5 min read
It can be hard to know what to do or say when someone you love is struggling. But there’s no one right way to show you care, and sometimes the simplest gestures are the most meaningful. Immersion - Seeds of Hope is about letting your loved ones know you’re there to support them whenever life feels hard.
Reach out. Even if you don’t have the perfect words, saying something is better than saying nothing at all.
Ask your loved one what they need. Everyone deals with challenges differently.
Be there on the hardest days. Take note of holidays and other occasions that may be particularly tough.
Help your loved ones plan for hard days. Because Everyone's Journey IS Different!
Supporting loved ones when it matters most
Global events and special occasions may make grief, illness, and other life challenges feel even more overwhelming. Crises like the COVID-19 pandemic are difficult for everyone, but they can be devastating for people who are already struggling. And holidays that are happy for many people, such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, Christmas, etc. can also be a reminder of pain and loss. Here are some ways you can help your loved one navigate especially hard moments.
Help your loved one plan for significant days For people dealing with challenges, the countdown to a meaningful day—like a birthday, holiday, or anniversary of a loved one’s passing—can be stressful. Whether they’re missing someone or dealing with personal or family difficulties, they might not be up for marking the day, or at least not in the usual way. You can relieve some of their stress by making it clear that how they spend a particular occasion is a choice. Your friend or loved one can mark the day the way they want to and not feel constrained by tradition.
Choosing how to spend these significant days takes some planning. But it will give your friend or loved one a sense of control over their life and happiness, which can be very empowering. It also helps set expectations for everyone who may be part of the day and reduces the chance of misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
Try these steps when helping someone you care about as they face a difficult occasion:
1 Acknowledge that these days can be hard Whether it’s the first birthday after a divorce or the loss of a parent or child, some days can feel unbearable. Life has changed, so it makes sense that the occasion will change as well. Letting go of the pressure to have that day live up to past ones can be a relief.
2 Ask your loved one who they would like to be with ... What worked in the past might not feel right this year. Your loved one might find comfort in different people or different routines. Ask who they want to spend their birthday, anniversary, or holiday with. Encourage them to see only people they want to see.
If your friend is separated from their support network because of distance or other factors, offer a few ways to stay connected. This could include scheduling calls or video chats, writing letters, planning a meaningful visit, or making special gifts to give in person in the future.
3 ... And if someone wants to spend a holiday, birthday, or anniversary alone, honor their wish People deal with difficult situations in different ways. Some of us need our friends and family close by. Others need some space. If your friend wants to be alone, respect that. You can check in with them, drop off a note, or send a quick text if you want them to know that you’re thinking of them. Trust that they understand what they need better than anyone else.
4 Come together to plan If your friend wants the company, gather the right people, and start hashing out the details. If you’re planning a holiday dinner, prepare a menu, make a shopping list, and figure out who’s in charge of what. If your friend looks forward to an annual music festival every year for their birthday, decide who will get the tickets.
5 Talk about traditions, but don’t be confined by them For people who have experienced a big change, traditions can be a source of comfort—or a painful reminder of what they’ve lost. Talk to your friend about what feels right. Are there traditions they want to keep? New ones they want to start? The key here is to make sure everything they choose to do on that day is right for them. If they’ve lost or are separated from someone they love, they may want to find a way to honor that person. Help them do that.
6 Make sure your friend knows that it’s okay to take a break A spouse’s favorite song, the smell of an old family stew, or a special ornament can all bring back memories of happier days. Your loved one may change their mind about what they can handle. That’s okay. It’s hard to anticipate how we will feel, especially if this is the first occasion after a major life disruption. It’s okay to cry, take breaks, or alter plans. Think about how to quietly help your friend take a moment alone if they need it, especially if you’re spending time in a group.
7 Encourage your friend to be gentle about mistakes Remind them not to feel guilty for any perceived missteps they might make—and if they can, to forgive others for the same. Everyone screws up from time to time. We all say or do hurtful or thoughtless things without meaning to. This is hard, and we’re not perfect. But every interaction gives us a chance to try again.
8 Commit to being there beyond the occasion It’s hard to anticipate when a tough moment will come up. It can happen at a child’s high school graduation or on a random Thursday. Your friend doesn’t expect you to know what to do at every turn, but it’s nice to be able to count on having someone in your corner all year round. You can do simple things to be there for the long haul. Set a reminder to send a text message regularly to let your loved one know that you’re thinking about them. Mark key dates in your calendar and commit to reaching out on those days.
You may not be able to make each significant day meaningful and hiccup-free for the people you care about. But with a little planning, you can help make things better. Choose to act and follow through on your choice. That’s how you can help your friends or loved ones find a measure of joy and peace, no matter what the occasion.
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